Self-Righteous

One thing we are dealing with now is an imbalance in our relationship.  I am sure it happens often when one spouse makes a lot of mistakes and the other not so much.  Since I am the confessed screw up my wife has become a little self-righteous.  It is not a good place to be and anyone who has ever experienced this understands where I am coming from.  I feel diminished.  It is one of the things that keeps me thinking about getting out.  Why do I want to stay where I always feel like the bad guy?  Does the future hold anything but this?  I want to be in a relationship where I feel equal value.  Maybe I am just kidding myself and relationships will always have this imbalance with one person always feeling less than their spouse.  What do you think?

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3 thoughts on “Self-Righteous

  1. hal jordan says:

    I don’t think there should be an imbalance of feelings, both spouses should love and care and respect one another but there is an imbalance in the case of wrong doing. I have endured cheating on both sides of the relationship and there is a point after a party admits guilt and accepts punishment from the other side where they feel like “wow, I get it, I did something wrong, when is enough enough” For me, I took it as a challenge to prove my partner who was condemning me wrong and I did, but for some people that imbalance pushes disrespect and its worth talking about.

    Specific to your case, when attacked, I wouldn’t fight it or give it much attention. I would just re-iterate your apology and commitment and move on with the rest of your day when her anger subsides. If its disrespectful, bring it up separately later on…keeping in mind that she may throw it back in your face with something like ‘well its disrespectful to look at porn’

    • needyhusband says:

      Thanks for the advice. I guess I just have to be prepared to let it go if she never can get past everything. My counselor said pretty much the same thing–I need to apologize and ask for forgiveness when I make a mistake but to not let it just destroy me. For so long I have felt like I just can’t win.

      • hal jordan says:

        Yep, you can only fix you, you can’t fix her. Apologize and change what you need to and let her decide if she wants to forgive or continue to play the victim. My ex wife tried forgiveness but then found that she missed the self riteousness and pity from her friends, so chose to be the victim again. I had already apologized and made peace with my faults and the lord, so I moved on.

        Its true, about asking for forgiveness. You need to be able to forgive your own mistakes as well, through prayer and self improvement so you can be happy with yourself. For example, when my partner cheated on me, the pain at being lied to paled in comparison to the shame I put on myself for not listening to my gut and falling for the lies. My opinion of myself was just as low as my opinion of her. I repaired my self image and was also able to repair my relationship because I wasn’t doubting, needy or looking for constant validation as i was happy with myself.

        Good luck and keep writing.

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