Oneitus is the concept that you will never find someone like the person you are with, that they are unique and irreplaceable.  This is a very destructive belief.  It is something I have struggled with for a long time.  It makes you give up yourself.  It is a factor in creating neediness and making you clingy.  I have felt that way about my wife.  No more.  I want to be with her and I want everything to work out in the end.  We have been together for a long time and have experienced so much together.  I want it for my children. This does mean I have given up at all.  I am still doing everything I can to save my marriage.  But I will no longer sit here in despair scared about the future.  If things don’t work out I will survive.  I will still have my children.  I will still have some of my friends.  I may find someone else down the road but even if I don’t I have a life worth living.  I think eventually I could be happy for my wife if she found someone new that made her happy.  Maybe if I keep telling myself this I might believe it!


3 thoughts on “Oneitus

  1. I dont have the perfect marriage, but I think you have try to believe that you would be fine without the other person and then choose to be with them because you are better together. Otherwise, you are together simply due to inertia. But take any advice I give with a grain of salt. I am on my second marriage… haha!!

  2. Dave says:

    My wife and I have been following your posts and I must say that this one is by far the most positive to date. Hang in there. It sounds like you are taking the steps necessary to ensure your happiness and sanity. You must continue to focus on your own well-being and that of your children.

    Possibly when your wife sees that your are not a broken mess because of this, she might want to get back on the train before it pulls out of the station for good.

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