Hurting Your Kids

It was brutal last night having to tell the kids I was leaving.  My hope that in the long run it will be worth it otherwise this is just the beginning of the pain they will experience.  I have no one to blame for this situation but myself.  I have been controlling with my wife.  Not by direct confrontation but by using my emotions to manipulate her.  It was truly out of my pain and fear but that does not make a good excuse.  So when my wife wanted to say no or express a differing opinion I let it hurt me.  I have always been sensitive.  This just made her try to conform to whatever was necessary to keep me from dropping down.  In the process she has lost her freedom to be herself and express herself–soul killing stuff.  I believe it will be difficult road ahead as she recovers from this.  I think she will probably compensate by saying no a lot and by pressing her thoughts and feelings no matter how they hurt me.  The other thing that has led to this point is porn.  I have used porn for years and my wife has discovered this on occasion.  This has made her lose trust in me.  She is very angry about this and angry at herself for putting up with it for so long.  It is going to be very difficult to recover her trust in this area.  The days anything that I desire sexually is seen through her eyes as something I saw in porn and want to try.  She won’t believe me but, ironically, the things I like in porn were the things she introduced to me first.  Maybe I just need to face that this might not be salvageable.  I have a hard time accepting that things won’t be great for a long time to come if ever.  I probably just need to be a man and be strong for the kids.  I had no idea I loved them so much until I had to leave them last night.

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One thought on “Hurting Your Kids

  1. Let me say something to you. I was exactly where you are, on July 1, 2004, I grabbed some cloths and loaded my Suburban and headed out for what I thought was some sorting out time. Some of the issues you mention we hold in common, the neediness and personality type I believe we definitely HELD (I got big time over it) in common.
    I went 18 months, under a divorce process, the whole temporary orders and kids on weekends and all that, nearly completed a divorce. I experienced the entire spectrum, misery, physically ill not sleeping or eating, OCD reading things that I thought could help, isolation, then emerging from it, then a “life” adjusted to to the new reality, then reconciliation, and now all these years later, realization that both her and I needed all that trauma. She changed a lot, and I realized I wasnt as bad as I thought, maybe you need to consider that as well, because these “time to be alone and heal herself” things are red flags for my experience.
    If by some chance you think my experience is interesting of helpful, pluck my email from your wordpress dash and send me a message.

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