Space…the Final Frontier

My wife definitely needs space in our relationship.  In searching for help with this online, I found this webpage:  I see that my marriage is a type 1 according to this page.  Now the question is can I accept this and change.  I have been working on giving space a lot lately.  We are almost down to the minimum we can be around each other now.  I try not to pressure for time together but I miss having a companion.  I have actually fantasized about putting an ad in Craig’s List for man/woman friendship in order to have someone to do things with.  Oh well.  How much time together should be expected with 3 school aged kids?  We do watch TV together a couple of nights a week which my wife points to.  I say it does not count as we are not even interacting at all.  I am so tired of all this but I know leaving my wife and kids would be so awful for all of us.  Anyone have any ideas?


6 thoughts on “Space…the Final Frontier

  1. thesecond says:

    Since your problem is that your wife has little desire to invest any emotional space in you, get more attractive by being less overweight, eating better (less fructose and other sugars, more fat, more vegetables, less factory farmed processed food), and dressing better.

    Try to do things around her that she enjoys. In my experience (successful) DIY, playing with whichever kid she loves most, cooking, and interacting with foreigners works best with women. You know her, you probably know what she finds attractive.

    If you’re more attractive her desire to be away from you will reduce and your neediness will be more attractive. In my relationships I can be as needy as I want because the girl generally wants to be with me. There is a limit, but it’s harder to hit if you’re hot.

    • needyhusband says:

      Very good advice. I am certainly working on getting more attractive. Working out, losing weight, getting teeth whitened, better clothes. I have a long way to go and it is hard to stay motivated sometimes but I will get there.

      • thesecond says:

        It’s good you’re working on the right things.

        With the sugar comment and the avoiding factory farmed food comment, I was suggesting ways you could boost your testosterone levels, the hormone that makes you manly. Sugar depresses testosterone and factory farmed food often contains estrogen, the hormone that makes you feminine.

        Testosterone boosts your confidence, giving you motivation. You could try to boost your testosterone levels if you’re finding it hard.

  2. Jacquie says:

    I have an idea to throw out. It’s what helped Dave and I, but I’m putting a little twist on it hoping that it may fit your situation.
    Take up a hobby, or two. Are you working out at a gym or at home? Going to a gym several times a week gets you out of the house. Over time seeing the same faces you begin to gain familiarity with others that you see on a consistent basis. You may not build friendships, but you might be able to engage in conversation here and there. You might even see what someone else is doing in their workout and strike up a convo, maybe just asking advice. Most people love to share what’s worked for them. It may fill some of the void you need just through casual acquiantance. It feels good to feel like you’re part of something.
    Dave and I go to the gym together. We are getting recognized by some of the other regulars as we have been going for awhile, not just a couple of folks who started up then dropped out of sight. We are serious about what we are doing. Eventually your wife will see the differences in you and maybe want to join you at the gym.
    Another hobby may be what you need as well. As much as you want to spend time with your wife, if you pick up another hobby that will put you in another social situation it will, again, help fill your need, but also get you the space you’re talking about. Especially if the hobby or interest begins to take you away during those tv nigths she’s accustomed to having you on the couch. I wanted to connect with Dave so took interest in what he liked. I didn’t like some of his interests in the beginning, some I’m still not so hot on, but it lets him know I care and I can take getting into it for awhile to please him. The interests that have turned me on we share alot and bond over it. You’re wife may decide to join you in your hobby eventually. But definitely a hobby that takes you out and puts you around people. Taking up model railroading, for instance, just locks you down in the basement by yourself.
    Sorry this got long, I hope it helps you while you think it all through.

    • needyhusband says:

      Thanks for the feedback, it is very good. I have been working out at a gym for over a year a minimum of three times a week. It has been a very positive thing. I have been volunteering with my oldest daughter at a senior home. I have always gone cycling but by myself. I am involved at church. I am going to start golfing with some friends. I do a lot with my kids. So I am pretty busy and not too much of a homebody. I think you are correct in taking away some of the TV nights. I think I will start finishing the basement which is something else I can do with the kids and it will give me purpose. I know she will love it.

      Regarding common interests we have in the past done some cycling together. She always complained that I had a better bike so I bought her a very good one a couple of years ago. She has ridden it twice. I yearn to ride together I am not going to push her on it. I applaud you for finding some common interests you can do together!

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